teething and prayer

You’d think I’d have the wailing figured out by now. It’s been, what? 8 months already? And he’s been teething for, like, 12 of them. So why is it that I *freak out* every time Jackson is teething? Perhaps it’s because I can’t see what’s going on, and I’m just certain that the discomfort is more than teething and we need to rush him to the urgent care center in case he has some triple-top-secret ailment we aren’t able to see but just KNOW is there behind the flooding tears and wracking sleeplessness.

And then… *POP*

Tooth.

…Inevitably followed by, "Oooooooooh. So THAAAAAT’s why you were shrieking your head off and wouldn’t eat or sleep or chill out for the last three days."

Jackson got teeth #s 5 and 6 this week, and the night before they appeared, you would have thought his brain was exploding. It was unbelievable, the crying. (And Jackson was pretty upset too. Kidding.)


This first time mommy thing has me all jacked up. I HATE not knowing what’s going on. I hate not being able to solve a problem, and I hate not having an answer. I spend so much energy trying to figure out what the issue is and how to fix it, and lo and behold, *pop* goes a tooth, or the diaper was dirty, or the bottle was too cold, or nap time came early- whatever. Something simple. It’s always something simple.

It’s really exposed my tendency to panic and find my own answers. I do that in my spiritual life, too, sometimes. Something rattles me, so I start problem solving, because I can’t see the outcome and I need peace. And then I pray. But in those moments, I’ve got it backwards. Doing what I can do, and THEN talking to God about it is all wrong. Don’t worry- logically, I know that. But there are times that I do it anyway. It’s that "I have to find an answer" thing.

I like plans. I like answers and clear skies ahead of me. I have been known to read the spoilers to my favorite TV shows, or read the last page of a mysterious book first, (I know. I know!) simply because I can’t stand the anxiety of uncertainty. So when uncertainty beyond my control swells into my world like an invisible tooth erupting & screaming under the surface, I panic. I determine every logical solution for every logical (and illogical) scenario, and I start crafting a plan.

I’m not very good at teething.

I’m determined to give up on this "I have to find an answer" thing, and to focus more on finding God in the process- in the middle of the unknown, in the crying, and the discomfort. Heck, I might even stop reading TV spoilers and the end of books first. Logic is good. But prayer is so much better.

So, am I the only one who freaks out with uncertainty?

Resurfacing...

It's been a while...

We've had a few things going on lately...

It's an awesome thing, watching your dreams come true...

I've found that I am on a journey that has changed me more than I ever could have imagined.

And the company's not bad either...

I can't believe it was just one year ago today that we discovered our little miracle was on his way. We are truly thankful.

A couple baby-weight pounds added, a few winks of sleep fewer, hearts enlarged and amazed, and we're gradually resurfacing & growing accustomed to life with our new treasure.

More to come soon...

enough

A few short months ago, I encountered courage like I had never seen before. And it was not my own. This courage was housed in the battered heart of young girl who has known pain that I could never dream of. As she unfolded story after story to me of sorrow, grief, abuse, neglect, and despair, I couldn’t help but wonder for her, "Why this cross, Lord?" From the pit of her hardened soul she was crying out to me the grievances stricken upon her young and fragile life, repeating over and over that she could never be enough.

Those words pierced my heart like an arrow.

It was something we shared. You might share it with us too. Not good enough.

The journey to be good enough in my own mind was a long one for me, and it reached its peak when I was about 18 years old. I had given up life as I knew it to study ballet, and I struggled to fight toe to toe with other long-legged, stick thin figures to win the prize of a starring role under glistening lights before sold out crowds. I was darkly compelled by the searing blisters on my feet and the gurlgling empty belly of a body that longed to be fed, but was neglected in favor of losing a pound and gaining accolades. But no matter how much of a beating my body and soul took from its master, there was always the continuous nagging of not being good enough. It was relentless. And it was about SO much more than my body or snug fitting pointe shoes and tutus.

For some time, even years after I evaded the world of ballet, the quest to be good enough followed me around like a dark shadow, etching away at my heart and chiseling away any remaining fragments of the Truth that I had left behind so many years ago…

The young girl I met a few months ago left Truth behind too. The demands of her grief and the pain of her world rendered the Truth meaningless in her heart. It was a stark reality that shook me to the core of my being.

"For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." Ephesians 2:10

Oh, that this young, courageous girl would find hope in the Truth again.

May it be a treasure we all clutch close to our hearts and protect for eternity.

stir

Some of my favorite things require a good stir every now and then:

my coffee

a good homemade soup

a fresh can of paint

What about our spirit? I don't know about you, but I certainly require a stirring of my faith from time to time. And what better way to do so than in relationship?

meet Melissa

More often than not, the stirring of our faith comes from doing life with one another... my friendship with Melissa is no different. I am continuously challenged by her faith and by her ability to be vulnerable with God, even in the most bleak of circumstances.

So when you're challenged to stay put instead of moving forward with God, find a stir. You'll probably find it in relationship, if they're Godly.

Life isn't meant to be done alone. And you never know, your journey may be clearing the path for someone else.

No words

Olive Hope Polinder went home to be with Jesus yesterday evening. Our hearts are filled with such overwhelming sadness as we think about the incredible loss Rusty and Lynette must feel after these long months of strife, heartache, miracles, and prayer. It seems there are not enough words in the universe to describe the impact this little life has had on our personal faith in recent months. I've been grasping for them for hours now, only to find an ocean of tears.

Olive was born at the end of September 2009 to her missionary parents in Chaing Rai, Thailand, at only 28 weeks, and suffered a severe intracranial brain hemorrhage. When we heard of the need for prayer for her life, something captured both Jason and I and latched onto our hearts... Perhaps it was the leading of the Holy Spirit, perhaps it was our sensitivity to these friends and new parents in need as we were desperate to become parents ourselves... probably both. And so we committed ourselves to fasting and prayer for tiny Olive Hope Polinder, oceans away but tied to our hearts in a way that only the love of God can explain.

About a year ago, I was diagnosed with a tumor in my brain that (among other things) the doctors said could keep us from having children. We were devastated. We stated our faith, sought the prayers of friends and family and our church, and kept moving on with life, but in all honesty, it was a battle we sincerely struggled with very privately. Especially me. There were many days that my faith grew weak and my hope diminished, and I angrily stormed the gates of heaven with demands to understand the unfair anguish that had been cast upon us.

And then Fall blew into our lives with its swift, cool winds, and one day we heard the desperate cry for prayer from the Polinder family. We watched our Savior perform miracle after miracle in Olive's body and our faith was strengthened... We were reminded that God can do the impossible. We were reminded of His goodness in all things, even when circumstances cast their dark and eerie shadows. Little did we know that in the very days that we first committed ourselves to prayer and fasting for little Olive Hope, a new life was being conceived within us.

We consider Olive to be such an integral part of our journey over these recent months. Today the words are hard to find and the tears come freely as we celebrate what her life meant to so many. When I meet her in heaven, I can't wait to find out if she knows that she restored faith in my soul and hope for my heart. I can't wait to see her dancing in the streets of heaven next to the life that I am carrying within me.

Olive's life was the perfect example of the very purpose of human creation: She brought glory and honor to God. We will never stop telling her story.

Thankful.

It’s rather typical to list off all of the things that we are grateful for at this time of year. But this time around, I am grateful for more, and in a deeper way, than I could have ever imagined at this time a year ago.

I am unwaveringly grateful for the incredible journey that the last year has taken me on. Coming out on the other side, it’s easier to say so; there were moments of great sorrow, deep disappointment, and bitter tears that I thought at times would never stop flowing. And nonetheless, there were moments of hope and joy, and the dawning of new friendships that would renew a part of my faith that had forgotten that God truly does care about the little things. And when the weight was too heavy to bear, there was my husband. My precious, God-seeking, devoted partner, softly speaking truth and hope. I couldn’t imagine a better companion on the dusty trails of this life.

This year has taught me to never be led by just my heart, but to be led by Truth confirmed in my heart. With the ups and downs of life, my heart keeps up pace, bouncing up and down in the tidal wave of emotion. But Truth does not change. This year I was reminded that the goodness of God is pursuing me, and no matter how long and exhausting the journey has seemed, God has been waiting to be good to me (Isaiah 30:18, the Message).

Less than three months ago, I was introduced to Evelyn. She was just three days old when I met her. Any newborn has the power to melt my heart, but Evelyn is something special. Evelyn’s life catapulted my faith in God in a way I didn’t even realize until the day I first held her in my arms. You see, Evelyn’s mommy was given the same diagnosis that I had been given during this past year… It involved a mass growing on the brain, and even with proper treatment, one of the many common side-effects was infertility. And yet, on a sparkling late-summer afternoon, there in my arms lay baby Evelyn. The fruit of God’s faithfulness.

In recent months, I stumbled upon another young and miraculous life, swadled in the arms of an old friend and sister in Christ. Her name is Olive Hope. For the last two months my husband and I have prayed for Olive and her parents thousands of miles away, as they bear the weight of the world on their shoulders and watch their little one fight for life on a daily basis. As the world joins with us in prayer, we have seen miracle after miracle, and yet the journey is far from over. Olive has reminded me again that God is faithful, and that God sees a picture that is much larger than the canvas of our own lives. She reminds me that ultimately, God will be glorified, and that alone is reason enough to be grateful for life, in any form or condition.

And here, in the midst of these very miracles, tangled up in prayers for Evelyn and Olive Hope, a new life was created… and this time, against all odds, the life was created and formed within ME.

"For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of Him." 1 Samuel 1:27

Your love Lord, truly does reach to the heavens. Your faithfulness leaps beyond the horizon and into the forgotten corners of my heart. You have pierced my heart with your goodness this year, and to you alone be the glory.

"Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations."
Psalm 100:4-5

rare & beautiful treasures

Sometimes we all need a deep breath of fresh air. Sometimes we need a word encouragement. And sometimes we just need to be reminded of the simple beauty in life. If today is one of those days, I have just the oasis for you: Rare & Beautiful Treasures is a light in the darkness, a refreshing breath, and beautifully written by my dear friend. I promise she won't disappoint.

A Few Rays of Sunshine....

Ahhhh... springtime, summertime.....



....And family and laughs and loving time...

Happy Anniversary!

We had a wonderful celebration of our 1 year anniversary! We met up with my sister and her husband at a lake house in Lake of the Ozarks for an adventurous long weekend getaway. We had a great house with lake front views from every room. We loved our daytime paddle boat and rowboat rides, evenings in the hot tub, sunsets, and waking up to the sunrise sparking on the water.

It was so fun to share such a special weekend with people who are so dear to us. We laughed until we cried, told story after story, shopped till we dropped, did the "Old Time picture" Allison and I have wanted to do forever, and ate good food to no end (Especially our anniversary dinner at Baxter's, overlooking the water... AMAZING). It was a wonderful trip of relaxation and much needed connection. Jason had to drag me away kicking and screaming, and promising we will return! We can't wait to go again! We love you, Allison and Josh! Thank you for being such a staple of support in our lives and our marriage!

A Special Request...

Because we know that several of our wonderful friends and family use this blog as a way to check in on us and our lives, we wanted to take this opportunity to do a couple of things. First of all, we want to thank you. We truly feel that we have been given the world when it comes to our family and friends. It is because of you that we are encouraged day by day to be who we were created to be. Your smiles, your calls, emails, visits, thoughts and prayers have translated into volumes of fuel for us to press on in this journey… a journey of love, marriage, ministry… of life.

Secondly, we would like to ask you for your prayers. There are very specific things that we are in need of, most of which are emotional and spiritual in nature. While this is in no way an exhaustive list, we appreciate your prayers for the following:

* Continued discernment as to the steps that need to be taken to further develop a relevant and significant model of ministry for this church

* A local network of supportive friends who can share in the "trials" and loneliness of ministry

* Expressed support from the congregation ("Expressed" meaning action in addition to words)

* The heart to say "No." We are learning very quickly how easily offended people will become if we don’t do what they want, go where they want us to go, or do what they want us to do how they want it done.

* Thicker skin. In ministry, the encouragers are few, and the critics many.

* Creative ideas for how to best utilize our resources, both in the church and personally

* Continued health and physical well-being (particularly for Betsy as she undergoes some testing and exams)

* For God’s peace to give us the rest and focus we need to daily lead this church

We are so grateful for you. Thank you for sharing in our journey! We love you.

Winter Wonderful

Here is a brief look at our winter... Including Jason's first real Christmas tree, Christmas with our families, and winter in the Chicagoland.